


tainted

by darkeyes78



Category: The Good Wife (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-06-18
Updated: 2017-06-12
Packaged: 2018-02-05 04:46:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 11,588
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1805830
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/darkeyes78/pseuds/darkeyes78
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kalinda/Alicia Angst AU.<br/></p><p> Settling back onto her  usual side of the bed, Kalinda closed her eyes, resolving that she would let Alicia know just how little this affair meant to her. She felt angry at the thought that anyone  could put her in that cage again. Especially not some upper East side  married housewife, that barely knew her. The thought amused her slightly, as she drifted off to sleep. </p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: i own nothing, all the characters belong to the writers of the good wife.

Kalinda lay silently in bed, staring into the darkness. Uncertain of what she felt, as she always did after her sexual encounters with Alicia. 

Their whole affair had started out as nothing more than casual flirting, between co-workers. Though Kalinda was well aware of the affect she had on others, always playing the role of seductive temptress oh so well. Using her sexuality to get what or who she wanted, was something that encapsulated the very essence of who she was. However, she never thought Alicia Florrick, would ever fall victim to her charms. Or that she would want her to. 

Kalinda shook her head free of the thoughts. It was futile to retrace the steps of how all this began. She was here now, lost and unsure of herself. Turning onto the pillow beside her, she breathed in Alicia's sweet scented perfume, that lingered still on the soft fabric. Bringing back memories of Alicia, who hours earlier lay sprawled beneath her, moaning softly into her ear. Kalinda shivered at the thought of how beautiful Alicia had looked at that moment. 

'Stop it' Kalinda scolded herself quietly. Throwing the pillow away from her in disgust. 

Settling back onto her usual side of the bed, Kalinda closed her eyes, resolving that she would let Alicia know just how little this affair meant to her. She felt angry at the thought that anyone could put her in that cage again. Especially not some upper East side married housewife, that barely knew her. The thought amused her slightly, as she drifted off to sleep. 

/////////////////////////////

'Hi' Alicia greeted her warmly at the doorway of the conference room. 

'Hi' Kalinda nodded at her slightly, whilst making her way past her into the conference room. The other associates began filing in and soon the room was full of smartly dressed lawyers. Kalinda, however, was just thankful she didn’t have to spend any extended time alone with Alicia. 

With Diane still going through their defence strategy, Kalinda nodded in her direction signalling her departure. She had a job to do, she knew what needed to be done, it was time to get started. Diane in turn gave her an acknowledging glance back, as she continuing briefing the rest of the associates on the case. 

By the end of the day, Kalinda felt good about the leads she had uncovered. She was sure she could easily obtain the video footage they needed, by sweet talking her connection at the local bar across the street from the crash site, the case seemed open and shut from here on out. 

Kalinda satisfied with her days work began filling her notes away in preparation to leave, though at noticing Alicia approaching her office halted her movements and instead looked intently at her laptop screen. Alicia smiled at her shyly upon entering. 

'Hi, so i'm done for the day, if you want to go get a drink? Or we could just go back to your apartment if you prefer?'. Alicia said looking at Kalinda optimistically. 

' I can't tonight i'm really busy right now, another time maybe? Kalinda spoke matter of factly, while busying herself on her laptop in order to make her lie seem more convincing. 

Though at noticing the brief flash of disappointment on Alicia's face Kalinda, softened her tone ' I'm sorry Alicia, its just I have allot of work to do right now, that's all'. 

'Ah, that's what it is!' Kalinda could hear the relief in Alicia's voice. And at that she felt a momentary rush of guilt jolt through her. After all Alicia Florrick was a good woman, and who was Kalinda to treat her so coldly, nevertheless she felt it was what she had to do. She knew she had to keep Alicia at arms length to protect herself. No matter how conflicted she felt about it. 

'Another time, then?' Alicia asked questioningly.  
'Sure' Kalinda tried to sound as casual as she could.  
Alicia nodded at her briefly before leaving Kalinda's office.  
Kalinda breathed a sigh of relief, and wondered just how long she could keep this up.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kalinda meets Robyn and they get acquainted for the night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I like Robyn, and I LOVE Kalinda so i figured why not. 
> 
> The next chapter will most likely be written from Alicia's perspective. 
> 
> Thanks for reading.

Kalinda sat alone at the bar embarking on her fourth shot of whiskey, as she tried to calculate when exactly she should call it a night, though never quite coming up with a number she was happy to adhere to. 

Kalinda was pulled from her thoughts as she felt someone stroke her arm. 'Alicia' Kalinda, mumbled under her breath, more in hope than belief. 

'Hey, Kalinda!!' Robyn said in an overly excited tone. 

'Robyn, hi' Kalinda said coolly trying to disguise her disappointment. 

'Wow, today was so long, and stressful wasn't it, I only just got done for the day?, Where did you get to anyway?' 

Kalinda looked at her phone it was 9pm it certainly had been a long day for her colleagues , Kalinda had left at 4pm, deciding she wanted to be alone, and away from Alicia's presence. 

'I had some leads I had to chase up' 

'Ah, ok' Robyn said distractedly, trying to get the bartender's attention. 

'Can I buy you a drink?' Robyn said after successfully securing the bartender's attention. 

'I have a drink' Kalinda said motioning down to her shot glass. 'But I can buy you one'

Robyn smiled at the new rich seductive tone in Kalinda's voice, Kalinda couldn't help but smile back. She had always found Robyn attractive, though a little naïve for her personal taste. But tonight her naïvety and her simplicity was something Kalinda welcomed. 

An hour later Kalinda decided it was time to leave, Robyn smiled sweetly at her looking a little bewildered as they left the bar together. It was a look Kalinda was accustomed to seeing, one which so many of her past conquests had so often given her, when the promise of a night with her was within sight. 

'Want to share a taxi?' They both knew what Kalinda was suggesting. 

'Sure' Robyn said a little too quickly, unable to disguise her excitement. 

Small talk had fallen silent by the time they reached Kalinda's apartment building. Kalinda paid the driver as she confidently made her way to her apartment, consciously rolling her hips a little more than she usually would. As Robyn followed tentatively behind her. 

'Want a drink?' Kalinda said making her way to the kitchen. 

Robyn shook her head. She had consumed more than enough alcohol tonight. 

Kalinda poured herself a shot of whiskey drinking it on the way to the bedroom. Knowing Robyn was following behind. 

'Come here' Kalinda whispered softly to Robyn as they stood face to face. Closing the distance between them Kalinda kissed Robyn softly, as the intensity between them grew their kisses became more and more frantic, as Kalinda hurriedly started to undress Robyn. Robyn, looked at Kalinda shyly as she stood before her, half undressed and breathless. 

Kalinda drank in the sight of her, as she slowly began undressing herself. Robyn fixedly watched her completely mesmerised, as if she couldn't quite believe this was all happening.With their bodies entwined Kalinda placed soft kisses in and around Robyn's collar bone and neck. Kalinda confidently took the lead as she had done so many time before, making sure to take her time exploring her new lover. 

Kalinda kissed and bit the most sensitive spots of Robyn's body, as she quivered helplessly under her touch, as she did so Kalinda stripped away her remaining bra and panties. Looking down at Robyn now fully naked Kalinda, found herself awe struck at how beautiful the woman beneath her truly was.'You're so beautiful' Kalinda, thought to herself as she kissed her way down Robyn's trembling body. A little while after when Robyn's movements had calmed Kalinda, gracefully disentangled herself from Robyn, and lay beside her.

Both women looked at each other. 

Robyn smiled at her sweetly, as she pulled Kalinda's face towards her and kissed her passionately.  
'I want to touch to you', she whispered in between kisses her voice now full with desire. 

Robyn gently pinned Kalinda to the bed, Kalinda found she enjoyed the pressure of Robyn against her. Kalinda shivered in anticipation of how sweet her eventual release would be. 

Though Kalinda's mind uncomfortably brought back memories of Alicia, of how sex with Alicia had been different, in ways Kalinda didn't want to think about. 

Kalinda's mind was pulled from its rambling thoughts as Robyn made her way down her body. Kalinda closed her eyes as she felt Robyn's soft delicate touch upon her.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just trying something different with this chapter, still angsty. 
> 
> As promised Alicia's perspective. 
> 
> Thanks for reading! Let me know what think/ feel free to give kudos! :))))

Alicia couldn't ignore the searing pain that always seemed to accompany her daily actions, she tried to focus on the good, her kids, her work, anything to get her out of this funk. 

But it was futile, her mind was determined to punish her, to not let her forget. 

She had tried various methods to try and help herself forget the familiar pain of heartbreak, the first was to over indulge on her favourite white wine but after a little too much one night Zach, had to escort her back to bed, she awoke with the familiar feeling of guilt in her throat, she knew she couldn't let this happen again she couldn't put upon her children. So the next day, Alicia had made some weak excuse, about how she must have accidentally drank to much, and that from now on she was going to drink only at the weekends. Zach had just smiled at his mother knowing there was nothing to be concerned about, but appreciative of her vow to drink less. 

Alicia had just taken to drinking at bars after work in secret. While she watched Kalinda carry on with her life, as if nothing had ever happened between them. 

Alicia felt sick. 

The new intake of lawyers at the firm made her feel worse, all smartly dressed, wearing bright smiles, all eager to assist her, made her feel old and bitter. 

One of the new attorneys Josh, a blond haired, tall, dynamic 24yr old Yale law graduate seemed to have taken quite the shine to her.  
Alicia could tell by the way he remembered unimportant facts about her, like how she visited southern California last Spring, or that she preferred white wine to red.

Alicia thought about accepting his many subtle invitations to go to drinks together, but then thought better of it. If wouldn't be fair, not when all she wanted was to be with Kalinda. A woman whose actions clearly indicated that she didn't want to be with her. How pitiful had her life become?, Alicia couldn't believe what a fool she'd been. 

Another Friday night alone in a bar. Alicia would have chastised herself if she wasn't so desperate to feel the numbing effects of whiskey, that she so sorely craved at this moment. 

'Hi Alicia'  
'Cary, hi how are you? ' Alicia smiled at Cary, not wanting to seem impolite.  
'Hi, yes can I have two beers please, Alicia can i get you anything? Cary's demenour seemed even more bubbly than usual.  
'No, I'm fine thankyou' Alicia responded blandly, she was tired ,it had been a long week.  
Cary watched the barman get his drinks, before turning to Alicia 'You should come join us'  
'Us?'  
'Me and Kalinda'  
Alicia almost burst out laughing, were the Gods punishing her? the last thing she wanted to do was spend an evening watching Cary fawn all over Kalinda.  
Before Alicia could politely decline Cary's invitation to sit with them she saw Kalinda approach them.  
'Hey Alicia' Kalinda seemed almost embarrassed at the awkwardness of this scenario.  
'Kay, can you get our drinks I'll be back in sec' Cary said as he made his way to a group of males at the other end of the bar. 

There was a moment of silence before Kalinda broke it, as she whispered into the loud chatter that ensconced them 'I've missed you' Alicia's eyes shot up instantly at that admission, but Kalinda's gaze was fixedly locked on the bar.  
Alicia wondered how or what to respond to that.  
It didn't make sense, for weeks Kalinda had been abrupt with her when all she'd been was civil and profession, more than that Kalinda had taken to actively avoiding her, it was true Kalinda was always allowed a certain leeway, in terms of office hours but never like this, she never encountered her at the office anymore. Alicia knew it was deliberate, Kalinda's way of saying to Alicia it was over, by putting this distance between them. 

Alicia couldn't fathom Kalinda when she was sober of mind, let alone in her current alcohol induced fuzzy state of mind. And she wasn't going to try and figure her out tonight.  
Alicia coolly downed the last of her whiskey, before collecting her things to leave.  
'If you excuse me, I have to go' Alicia gave Kalinda a perfunctory smile.  
'Tell Cary I said goodnight Kalinda looked at her confused before nodding at the instruction. 

As Alicia walked away she felt a momentary sense of pride in herself, for finding her dignity at that moment for not letting Kalinda know just how much she missed her. Just as she approached the entrance of the bar, she felt someone stroke her shoulder. Kalinda then grabbed her hand and led her gently outside. Alicia followed wanting to protest but not being able to somehow. Outside in the cool night air, Kalinda gently led Alicia away from the hustle and noise of the bar, and pushed Alicia against a wall which led to the back entrance of the bar, out of sight, and kissed her, Alicia couldn't breath, she didn't want to do this. When she pushed Kalinda away she looked at her almost hurt, mumbling an apology. 

'Don't!' Alicia said sternly.  
As if expecting this reaction Kalinda just coolly responded 'I want you'  
Alicia's brain was frazzled, she couldn't think. Her eyes searched Kalinda's face.  
'No, you don't' Alicia said matter of factly, as if it didn't devastate her to acknowledge that fact.  
'I do,...I've been thinking about you, when I'm alone at night, when I'm with other people'  
The implications of Kalinda's words, despite her somewhat drunken state were not lost on Alicia, and it took her a moment to regain her composure.  
'You want me Alicia?, you want to fuck me? I know you do'.  
Alicia wondered how drunk Kalinda actually was, as she slurred obscene phrases at her.  
'No, stop it!' Alicia had quite enough of this.  
'I miss you' Kalinda said sadly.  
'Ok' Alicia replied.  
'Ok?'  
'Let's go back to your apartment'  
Kalinda led Alicia to her SUV, she was silent on the way there, Cary, the bar, a distant memory now.  
She led Alicia up to her apartment allowing her to enter first, shutting the door behind them, with her body pressed against it, Kalinda promptly started to undress herself. Alicia watched her unable to look away, afterall this is what she wanted.

Kalinda was down to her underwear, which comprised of a black lace bra, matching panties, and stockings Alicia's mouth watered at the sight.  
'I'll do anything you want, Alicia' Alicia wondered whether this was Kalinda's way of an apology, by offering herself in a way she wouldn't ordinarily.  
Kalinda moved towards Alicia and gently took her hand leading her to the bedroom.  
Kalinda encouraged Alicia to sit down on the bed, while she kneeled on the floor.  
Alicia realised she hadn't kissed Kalinda properly, and pulled her in for a hungry kiss.  
Before reason hit her. 

'I can't let you do this to me, again' Alicia whispered as pulled back from Kalinda, getting up making her way to leave.  
Kalinda looked confused, never in her sexual history, in her life, had she ever been rejected like this, who would she thought? To lick her wounds at that moment.  
Kalinda followed Alicia out of the bedroom, Alicia was at the door, when Kalinda repeated her earlier promise 'anything you want, I'll do anything you want Alicia'.  
Alicia hesitated, what did she want?, a memorable sexual encounter she'd most likely never forget, sure, yes!. But more than that she wanted someone to love her, to commit to her, someone she could travel with on weekends off, someone she could introduce to her children, someone she could enjoy life with. 

Not this, not a woman who would need to be drunk to express an any sort of meaningful sentiment to her, not someone who seemingly didn't care that Alicia was in pain, as long as Kalinda could still sleep with her when she wanted. 

Kalinda saw the hesitance in Alicia's body language, she knew she'd won this, she could always rely on how irresistible she was to secure who, and what she wanted.  
So the sudden disappointment that flooded through her, came as a complete shock, when Alicia reached for the handle, without so much as a glance back at Kalinda, leaving her apartment. Kalinda was alone, with her desire still burning. 

Kalinda wanted to scream, to cry, to forcibly bring Alicia back to her, but instead she made her way to the kitchen and poured herself a scotch. As she thought painfully over how she found herself back in that cage again.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kalinda has to face her feelings. 
> 
> Thanks for reading! Let me know what you think/feel free to give kudos :)))))

Kalinda had taken pains to illustrate over the last few weeks how little she cared about Alicia, when in actuality she cared deeply about her, a fact she was unwilling to let herself acknowledge. 

'I'm not going to let you do this to me again' Alicia's words had stung, it was over. An unmitigated twinge of loss flooded though Kalinda as she replayed Alicia's final words, the reality of the whole situation dawned on her, the thought of never seeing Alicia in her unguarded moments ever again made her feel sick, of never again witnessing that genuine smile that lit up Alicia's face, whenever she'd happen to unexpectedly encounter Kalinda around the office, it truly touched Kalinda to know that she was the cause of Alicia's delight. 

Kalinda walked though the doors of L/G for the first time in weeks, after Diane insisted that she attend an obligatory Monday morning staff meeting in person rather than by phone, as she'd opted for over the past few weeks. Kalinda knew she couldn't hide from Alicia forever, but the timing couldn't have been worse, after Alicia had rejected her, she didn't want to see Alicia's face. Though Kalinda was nothing if not a professional when it came to her work, its one of the many reasons why Diane held her in such high esteem. Kalinda didn't want to lose Diane's respect she respected her to much, Diane was Kalinda's closet ally at the firm, and one of the few people in Kalinda's life, who Kalinda was fiercely loyal to and protective of and someone who Kalinda never would want to knowingly disappoint.

So when Diane had phoned Kalinda and strongly, though not unkindly, suggested that Kalinda needed to make herself more present during office hours, as the firms senior investigator. Kalinda found herself unable to reject Diane's reasonable request, she simply told Diane she'd consciously make more of an effort to be around more at the firm from now on. Kalinda wasn't going to insult Diane's intelligence by acting as if she didn't know what Diane was talking about, they both knew Kalinda had been avoiding the office lately, but Diane was considerate enough not to question Kalinda as to why. 

Kalinda's reluctance to comply to Diane's request meant that Kalinda was late, she was never usually late, though only by 15mins, which meant that all the other associates had occupied most of the seats in the board room, the only seats available were next to the named partners, Kalinda mentally cursed her luck, and quietly sat down a few seats away from where Alicia was seated, not wanting to disrupt anymore than she already had. 

As soon as she was seated Kalinda promptly got out her notebook, and began writing notes as Diane addressed the room, mostly to distract herself from looking at Alicia, about the upcoming trial proceedings, she smiled politely as Diane talked though their legal strategy, but in truth Kalinda felt fed up, and the continuous effort it took Kalinda, to make certain her gaze didn't land on Alicia was exhausting. She wanted nothing more than to drink in the sight of Alicia's beautifully refined, elegant features. That beautiful face she'd missed, that face she'd witnessed a myriad of emotions play out on during their nights together, with her thoughts momentarily on Alicia, it took Kalinda a moment to register that Diane was addressing her, Where are we so far? with the Bridges alibi?'. Kalinda composed herself, before answering. 

'Well I spoke to his mistress yesterday, and she seems as if she's on the precipice of confirming his alibi, I could speak to her again to make her understand that if refuses to testify he will most likely face time in jail, but she's smarter than that she'll testify for him, she's clearly in love with him'. Kalinda hadn't meant to say that last part, but as she spoke the last few words, her gaze inevitably drifted towards Alicia. Alicia, however, remained unmoved and her gaze remained fixedly on Diane, refusing to acknowledge Kalinda or anything that she said. 

Alicia's non reaction hurt, she hadn't glanced her way once during the meeting, even with Kalinda speaking to the room, Alicia continued not to acknowledge her. Meeting over, Diane dismissed everyone warmly, though Kalinda remained seated for a moment as she watched Alicia leave. 

She wanted to go to her, but what would she say, what could she say that Alicia would want to hear. Kalinda felt ridiculous, all that effort trying to actively pretend she didn't care for Alicia had worked, Alicia now understandably wanted nothing to do with her. This was self inflicted pain, Kalinda thought darkly though she consoled herself with thought that she'd been here before and that yes, she'd get over it like before. 

Alicia's cold indifference towards Kalinda lasted for the coming weeks, and didn't seem to be coming to end any time soon, Kalinda rarely had any interactions with Alicia, as Alicia had now delegated all of her investigative tasks to Robyn, Kalinda felt snubbed, but who could blame Alicia afterall her behavior was only in reaction to Kalinda's own. 

 

If Kalinda had have ever doubted the existence of karma, she didn't any longer. It was divine retribution, Kalinda figured for the way she had treated Alicia. Alicia who was good a woman, who possessed a sincere kindness and empathy towards others, that the harsh realities of life hadn't stripped away from her. She loved her she thought at that moment. 

There it was the inevitable acknowledgment to herself, of what Kalinda had known to be true for sometime. 

She was in love with Alicia Florrick.

Kalinda felt lost, as she made her way out of the offices. Despite her promise to Diane she needed to be alone right now.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ok so this chapters a little different, but bare with i think Kalinda needs to realise that Alicia isn't going to sit and wait for her forever. 
> 
> Thanks for reading! Pls do let me know what you think/give kudos if you liked it!!. :))))))

Over the passing months Alicia found she was enjoying her life again, after she had begun a process of detox and had said goodbye to some damaging habits, such as using alcohol to distract herself from her pain which Alicia knew was ultimately futile. Alicia was proud of herself for regaining control of her life again, when she did Alicia found a renewed appreciation for the people in her life, and subsequently didn't feel so lonely anymore. Importantly she found herself thinking of Kalinda less and less, after she had found herself unexpectedly dating again. Though it was completely unexpected, it came just at the right time for Alicia. 

A few weeks earlier Diane had insisted she meet with the new owner of the 23rd .24th floors, to keep up good relations, as Maddie Hayward the new owner was be their new landlord, whom had told Diane about her respect and fondness of Alicia. Great another fan, Alicia had thought when Diane had told her. But nevertheless for the sake of the firm Alicia, agreed to meet with Maddie they had lunch together at a small quaint restaurant, where they talked about there life mostly, and very little about business. It was so refreshing Alicia thought to able to connect with someone who was on her level unlike Kalinda, Maddie wasn't hesitant to discuss any of her past indiscretions. Whenever she tried to talk to Kalinda about anything significant their conversations were always strained, and the atmosphere became uncomfortable. Eventually Alicia gave up trying to have any meaningful talks with Kalinda, clearly Kalinda didn't want to foster any sort of connection with Alicia. Alicia had got sick of trying. 

 

Everything went well she had reported back to Diane, as spoke of their time together Alicia, found herself smiling as she thought of Maddie and their long personal conversation, she was a woman whom Alicia shared many commonalities with, her ex-husband had also been unfaithful which resulted in the breakdown of their marriage, and like Alicia she also had two teenage children, two boys Max and Cody. Alicia liked her, and if she were honest she was not exactly what Alicia had expected for a real estate mogul, she was expecting a much older looking women, not this fresh faced, dynamic, funny, elegant woman, with warm eyes. It was a pleasure to have been in her company. 

Is wasn't until Maddie turned up to the L/G offices a few days after their initial meeting, that Alicia thought perhaps Maddie liked her too. 

'Hi, yes I'm looking for Alicia Florrick, is she in?' Maddie confidently addressed the woman at the front desk.  
'Maddie, Hi is everything ok?' Alicia happened to walking by, and greeted her warmly at the reception desk before Susan could respond to her query.  
'Alicia, yes I just wanted to know, if you'd like to go out for drinks tonight? If you're not busy? Maddie smiled at Alicia.  
'Drinks?' Alicia hesitated after her recent drinking sessions Alicia didn't really fancy going out for drinks, she had consumed so much alcohol over recent weeks the thought of drinking again made her feel slightly nauseous.  
The uncertainty in Alicia's voice made Maddie retract her offer, 'Well if you're busy, another time then?  
'No, its not that, I'd love to go out with you, it's just I'm trying to drink less these days ' Alicia quickly replied as not to offend Maddie  
'Ah, well that's fine dinner then?'  
'Yes, dinner sounds lovely, where were you thinking?  
'It's a surprise, I'll pick you around 8pm?  
'Sure' Alicia smiled sweetly at Maddie as she watched her leave. 

 

It wasn't until their third meet up, at yet another quaint and ridiculously expensive restaurant, when Maddie's hand had quite deliberately stroked over Alicia thighs, under the guise of admiring the fabric of her elegant pencil skirt, when Alicia thought perhaps Maddie was attracted to her. 

And all doubts were completely vanished from her mind, when late one night after they'd attended a gallery opening for one of Maddie's prominent friends in the art world, that something sparked between them. Maddie had been busy working the room all evening, and she'd hardly spoken to Alicia allnight, though Alicia didn't mind Maddie's upper East side friends were keeping Alicia fully entertained. Though later on in the back seat of Maddie's BMW, with her driver concentrating on the dark Chicago roads ahead of him unconcerned by any chatter or movement going on behind him. Maddie edged closer to Alicia and took her hands in hers, bringing it to her mouth before planting a gentle kiss on Alicia's fingertips, Alicia's heart rate increased. Both women stared at one another, eyes locked and moved in unison to meet each others lips. 

 

//////

It was the annul Lockheart/Gardner summer charity ball, it was a standard black tie event, the men wore suites, and the women wore gowns, it was a pretty pretentious affair. Kalinda herself was in a little black dress, sleeveless, with lace embroidery around the shoulder for added elegance, teamed with 3inch black heels,and a clutch, Kalinda didn't feel the need to completely conform to the to dress code attire, and she looked her usual seductive self. 

Kalinda found herself seated at a table with Diane and Cary, next to Elsbeth who was amusing her with her usual kooky antidotes. Kalinda liked Elsbeth, she was a strange character, but none the less Kalinda liked her, and welcomed her company.  
Alicia dressed in a wine coloured evening gown, was the next to arrive with some other well dressed woman beside her, Kalinda recognised her as Maddie Hayward, their new landlord. Kalinda hadn't really thought much of her presence at the ball or of the fact she had arrived with Alicia, she assumed her invite was nothing more than a perfunctory offering to keep her sweet. 

During the evening there was various talks given, firstly by Diane who welcomed everyone and thanked them for their generosity. And then by various donors one of whom was Maddie herself, Kalinda watched Maddie address the room briefly. Before her gaze turned inevitably to Alicia, Alicia who was gazing at Maddie with something that appeared to be awe. 

There is was that smile that Kalinda used to the honoured recipient of that sweet genuine smile, which was now unmistakably directed at Maddie. Kalinda remembered their body language from earlier, when Maddie was seated next to Alicia, their bodies were close to one anothers, but not usually close, though they routinely exchanged shy smilies in between making small talk with the people sitting next to them. That Kalinda had to admit was odd. 

Kalinda was hit with the sudden sickening realisation, that Maddie and Alicia were together. 

'Isn't that funny Kalinda? Kalinda was pulled back into her conversation with Elsbeth she just smiled and nodded. As Elsbeth continued to talk not aware of Kalinda's disinterest. 

Kalinda's mind raced, it was true Alicia had been acting differently towards Kalinda recently, not friendly exactly but professional atleast, Alicia was no longer was actively ignoring Kalinda and often exchanged polite welcomes with Kalinda, whenever she happened to encounter her around the office. This must be why nothing like dating someone new to brighten your outlook on life, Kalinda bitterly thought. To Kalinda's annoyance Maddie continued to address the room, evidently she had donated such a substantial amount of money, that Diane allowed her to talk for almost 30 long agonising minutes, mostly about herself, she was such a narcissistic snob. Kalinda wanted her to shut up. 

Kalinda embarked on her third large glass of Chardonnay of the evening, and was starting to feel the full effects of it. L/G certainly knew how to throw an event, the ball room was elegantly decorated and the soft lighting and ambient music coming from the orchestral band, made for a pleasant atmosphere. 

But for Kalinda it was hell. 

Kalinda made her way to the rest room, unsteady on her heels, she lacked her usual grace, and she felt as if everyone in room was staring at her clumsiness, Kalinda though managed to weave her way thtough the many tables, successfully reaching the rest room. Kalinda looked at herself in the walled mirrors of the ladies bathroom, she looked foxy she thought, though her eyes could barely focus on her own image. Kalinda heard the door opening behind her. 

'Hi' It was Alicia, were the Gods tormenting her? Kalinda laughed at her own dramatic drunken sentiments. Kalinda didn't believe in God. 

'Having fun?' Alicia said as she ducked into one of the stalls, retuning a few moments later to wash her hands, a few sinks down from where Kalinda was still stood critiquing her own reflection. Alicia turned to leave. 

'Alicia please don't go' Kalinda sounded wounded, as she moved towards Alicia, who was looking intently at her. Kalinda put her arms around Alicia waist, enjoying the feeling of the soft delicate fabric of Alicia's high-end gown, and pulled her in a for a hard kiss, and although Alicia didn't push her away, she also didn't reciprocate. Kalinda was made to stop kissing Alicia, when her unsteady body fell into Alicia's. Alicia instinctively wrapped her arms around Kalinda's waist, in order to steady the other woman. 

Kalinda heard the door to the ladies open again 'Alicia are you ready to leave' Maddie eyed Alicia whose arms were still wrapped around Kalinda. Alicia gently pushed Kalinda away from her, as Maddie walked towards her looking concerned and somewhat perplexed at the situation. 

'Do you want some help?' Maddie said as she eyed Kalinda, who now stood clenching the edge of the sink top trying to regain her balance. 'No that's ok, but I should take her home. I'll call you tonight' 'Well if your sure', Maddie kissed Alicia before leaving. Marking her territory no doubt Kalinda thought, as she hazily watched their interaction though the mirrored walls in front of her. 

Alicia turned to Kalinda, her hand stroked the side of her waist, it wasn't lost on Alicia how good Kalinda looked this evening, she then moved closer to Kalinda and gently kissed the crook of Kalinda's neck, before finding Kalinda's mouth and kissing her passionately, Kalinda instantly kissed back, how she missed the feeling of Alicia's mouth on hers. 

Kalinda let out an anguished moan, when Alicia pulled back...'What am I doing??' Alicia chastised herself. 'I have to go, you'll be ok right? Kalinda didn't respond. 'Cary, I'm sure will give you a lift home, I'll make sure he does, I'll tell him that now' Alicia practically ran out of the door, and away from Kalinda.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter Alicia/Kalinda dialog. 
> 
> Short update! Thanks for reading!! :)

'Before you all leave, I have an announcement Kalinda sadly, has left the firm so Robyn is now our acting senior investigator until further notice' Diane said before she dismissed everyone.

Alicia looked towards Cary, who looked a mixture of disappointed and hurt, he clearly wasn't aware Kalinda was going to leave either. Alicia was in shock, she had a million questions, but she waited patiently for the other attorneys to shuffle out, before she could speak privately with Diane. 

'Diane where has Kalinda gone?' she tried to keep her voice level and calm,  
'I don't know, she left some rather gabbled message on my voice mail, a few days ago when I dialled her number back a few minutes later, I was told that the number was no longer in service'. Diane sounded disappointed to have missed the opportunity to speak with Kalinda, to talk her out of leaving, or to say goodbye to her. Kalinda had always been fiercely loyal to Diane over the years. So in a way it was fitting that Diane was the only one, to receive a goodbye of sorts from Kalinda. 

'A few days ago?' She wished Diane had told her sooner, Alicia knew Kalinda must be long gone by now. There was no point in dropping by her apartment Alicia thought, she wouldn't be there.  
Diane looked at Alicia sympathetically, hurt etched on her face 'Do you need to take the rest of the day off?' Diane didn't know exactly what the nature of Alicia's relationship with Kalinda was, but she had suspected that it went beyond the platonic.  
'Umm, I' Alicia couldn't process her words.  
'Take the day off Alicia' Diane said as she put a comforting arm around her before making her way to leave.  
Alicia just nodded and tried to contain the tears that were forming at the end of her lashes. 

 

/////////////////////////////////////

'Alicia are you ok' Maddie looked at Alicia's untouched food.  
'No, I'm fine I'm just not hungry' Alicia said as she finished off her second glass of wine of the evening.  
'Alicia you're clearly not fine, what's wrong?'  
'My friend, it felt odd to refer to Kalinda as a friend  
'has unexpectedly left the firm, and I can't help thinking it was my fault, Alicia remembered the wounded expression on Kalinda face as she asked her not to leave, and like coward Alicia did. Who knows where Kalinda was now?  
and no-one can get in contact with her, or knows where she is' Alicia finished before she blurted out the complete truth as to why Kalinda had left.  
'Well she knows where you are right?, so she'll find you when she's ready. Maddie reasoned.  
'I don't think she will, its not Kalinda's style'  
'Kalinda?, the woman you were with before me'  
'Yes'  
'You miss her?' Maddie questioned.  
Alicia thought carefully before she spoke, 'She was my closest friend at the firm, it will be odd not to see her or talk with her'  
It didn't really answer Maddie's question, but Maddie thankfully didn't press Alicia any further.  
After dinner they went back to Maddie's upper east side apartment, Alicia didn't want to be alone. Over the duration of their date Alicia felt distinctly less sad than she had done earlier.  
Alicia made her way to the bedroom, as soon as they entered knowing that Maddie would understand her hint.  
'I'll be their in a second' Maddie called out.  
Alicia undressed herself and lay beneath the covers, she just wanted to feel good and she knew Maddie knew how to make her feel good.  
Alicia heard Maddie enter, and then felt her lie next to her before straddling her hips, Alicia felt her arousal build. As Maddie worked her expert touch all along her body, Alicia was close she could feel it, seconds later her orgasm hit.  
How incredible!, Alicia thought how a persons body and mind could be so disconnected, her body wanted sex, but her mind was occupied with thoughts of Kalinda. Maddie began kissing Alicia's neck, Alicia felt her body reacting to her delicate touch. Alicia shut her eyes to Maddie's touch, she couldn't look at her anymore it was too dishonest. 

//////

A few days later Robyn was in Alicia's office updating her on Robyn's most recent case findings, Alicia was understandably distracted with thoughts of Kalinda, which prompted her out of hope more than anything, and as Kalinda had become somewhat of a mentor to Robyn over recent months. To ask whether Kalinda had left a contact number with her, as Kalinda was always concerned about Robyn's ability to do her job well. She was a good investigator but lacked confidence Kalinda had once told Alicia. 

'Alicia I'm not done with your' Alicia cut Robyn off.  
'It's strange Kalinda leaving so suddenly' Robyn nodded in agreement.  
' I mean she didn't leave you a contact number or address did she?'  
'No, I'm sorry' Alicia expected to hear that. But it hurt nevertheless.  
Or email? Alicia said thinking of all the possible ways someone could keep in contact with others.  
There was no response from Robyn at that particular query.  
'Robyn?'  
'I, um she said not to give it out' Robyn mumbled apologetically.  
'Please Robyn, for me I need to talk to her' there was desperation in Alicia's voice.  
'She'll be angry if I do Alicia, and I don't want to make Kalinda angry'. Robyn had begun to say but looking at Alicia's pained expression, Robyn couldn't refuse her request it was only an email address afterall. 'Ok I'll text it you'. Robyn said knowing she had the address saved in her phone.  
'Thankyou' Alicia said calmly. As if she hadn't been emotional moments earlier.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys, as always thanks for reading :) please do tell me what you think! :)

Alicia was disillusioned and angry at the world, unable to muster up the energy to care about her work, well aware her professional standards had slipped dramatically over the past few months. As a result she had been formally, though not unkindly spoken too, by Diane who reminded her of her duties as senior partner. Alicia was thankful no further action had been taken against her. Alicia knew she had been acting immaturely, wilfully taking out her frustrations on a myriad of new interns, who were guilty of no real crime, other than inhabiting the same air space as Alicia. 

Alicia sensibly decided to take her vacation days early, she sorely needed a break, to regain her equilibrium. Before her whole professional life started to fall apart. Alicia found solitude comforting, not having to put on an act made things a little easier to deal with. 

////////  
Alicia awoke from a dreamless wine induced nap, at the sound of someone knocking at her door.  
Gingerly Alicia made her way up, neatening herself before opening the door.  
'Hey', Kalinda smirked at Alicia's evident surprise.  
'I'm back, want to fuck?'  
Alicia noticed the familiar glazed look in Kalinda's eyes, she was so accustomed to seeing, whenever they had their intimate rendezvous.  
Alicia stood motionless unable to process her thoughts, as Kalinda brushed past her.  
Robotically Alicia closed the door, turning to face Kalinda, who had made her way to the kitchen, Alicia watched Kalinda pour herself a drink. Alicia's mind raced she had a million questions, she collected her scrambled thoughts enough, to process them into words. Finally able to speak, Alicia questioned Kalinda 'What are you doing here? 'Ok, fine I'll go then' Kalinda said in a cold mocking tone, not to dissimilar to that of a petulant adolescent, who had been refused their own way. 

Noticeably despite her words Kalinda stood facing Alicia, who's gaze had trailed down Kalinda's body. Kalinda could tell exactly what Alicia was thinking, it was a look Kalinda was often the proud recipient of, wherever she went heated lust fueled glances accompanied her, with the desire between them palpable. Kalinda wasn't going to waste anymore time. 

Over the past the few months Kalinda's lust for Alicia had become so acute it had manifested into a physical ache, one that no other lover could cure. She wanted Alicia so desperately it was maddening, she couldn't think or focus on anything else. The younger woman charged at Alicia, grabbing her face in her palms, kissing her roughly, biting down hard on the other woman's bottom lip drawing blood. Alicia flinched at the initial pain, though unperturbed instinctively slipped her right hand into Kalinda's skirt, moaning at the wetness she felt there.  
'I've miss you, have you missed me' Kalinda breathed as Alicia's fingers begun thrusting reflexively into the younger woman. She was close, Alicia could tell, Kalinda's breathing became laboured, and before Alicia's rational sense could intervene and instruct her to stop this insanity, it was too late, she felt Kalinda climax around her fingers. 

Removing her hand from Kalinda's skirt, Alicia playfully stroked the fluid she had extracted from her lover down the length of Kalinda's bare forearm. Kalinda smiled at the older woman's playful action. Both women giggled breaking the tension between them.  
'Clouded by her arousal, Alicia stammered, 'Not here', intertwining their fingers she led Kalinda to the bedroom, where they spent hours, upon delicious hours getting reacquainted with one anothers bodies, both women eventually succumbing to exhaustion.

/////////  
When Alicia awoke she smiled as the memories of last night came flooding back, snuggling into Kalinda's soft warm skin, delighting in the intoxicating scent of the woman beside her, tenderly planting soft kisses around Kalinda's neck and back. Moments later she felt Kalinda stir, as her restless hands stroked over Kalinda's thighs, it always amazed Alicia how soft Kalinda felt, as it her skin was made of the finest Indian silks.  
Kalinda slowly moved away from Alicia's familiar touch, as she made to sit up.  
'You're leaving aren't you?' Alicia said resignedly.  
Kalinda nodded, deliberately not meeting Alicia's gaze, scowering the darkened room in search of her discarded clothes.  
It was all too much for Alicia, these past few months had been emotionally exhausting, with Kalinda leaving so abruptly, with her unexpected visit here tonight, all propounded by the fact her life seemingly was on the precipice of collapsing. Everything just felt too much. Alicia felt her saddness with such an intensity, it was all she could do to sob,, loudly and unashamedly.  
Witnessing Alicia's sudden emotional outburst Kalinda halted her movements, and went to comfort Alicia, though admittedly she didn't know what to say, she wasn't well versed in the art of empathy. More often than not, Kalinda was usually the root cause of a myriad of disgruntled ex-lovers pain and distress, and here now, seeing the pained mess she had reduced Alicia too, filled her with such a crippling guilt, that she mentally resolved at that moment to become a better woman. 

'Just go' Alicia blurted out between sobs.  
'I'm not leaving you Alicia' Kalinda put her hand over Alicia's in a comforting gesture. But Alicia pulled her hand away angrily from her grasp. 

Eventually Alicia's sobs dampened down, her eyes red raw evidence of her distress. Kalinda sat on the edge of Alicia's expansive bed still unsure of what to say, or do. She recognised Alicia's calmer state, meant she could leave now relatively guilt free. With that thought she collected her things, quickly and efficiently.  
At witnessing the other woman's movement Alicia slid down the bed, closing her eyes awaiting to hear the familiar click of her apartment door signalling Kalinda's departure, from her apartment, and maybe from her life forever. 

Kalinda stood in Alicia's apartment willing herself to walk away, from Alicia, for the second time, her mind dutifully reminded her. But she remained rooted to the spot, inhaling a deep breath she walked towards the bedroom. Hovering at the doorway, unsure if Alicia was aware of her presence.  
'Alicia' the investigator spoke her name softly, and with such reverence that Kalinda thought perhaps Alicia knew what she was about to confess. Kalinda's heart pounded, she could feel the blood rush to her ears.  
Kalinda moved towards the bed.  
Noticing Alicia had drifted off to sleep.  
Kalinda sat on the edge of the bed, undecided on what to do.  
She glanced at the sleeping woman, whose naked thighs, peaked out beneath the soft cream sheets. Kalinda tenderly stroked her fingertips over the exposed skin. 

//////

Alicia awoke sweaty and hot, the evenings activities coming back to her in excruciating clarity.  
Alicia gingerly removed the sheets from her over heated body, recognising the faint sounds of movement coming from within the apartment. Grace must be home early Alicia thought, wrapping a bathrobe around herself, Alicia went to greet her daughter, and take a much needed shower.  
'Hey' Kainda said sheepishly.  
'Hi, I um I thought you were....' Alicia began to say but then stopped recognising it was unimportant.  
Alicia regarded Kalinda, who was meticulously arranging cutlery. 

'I made you breakfast' Kalinda said cheerily. Motioning to the dining table, where a substantial amount of bacon, eggs, and toast were neatly laid out in sliver trays.  
Alicia thought perhaps she had entered a parallel universe, witnessing Kalinda wilfully carry out domestic duties was disconcerting to say the least, trying to restore some semblance of normalcy, Alicia spoke calmly, almost matter of factly,  
'I thought you left' Alicia said in tone which would have indicated indifference, but the question itself suggested otherwise.  
'No' Kalinda smiled up at Alicia, as she fussed with the table cloth smoothing it out with her palms.  
'That's it no?' Alicia couldn't control the irritation creeping into her tone.  
'Here', Kalinda walked over to Alicia and handed her a steaming cup of coffee.  
Kalinda knew she owed Alicia an explanation for her behaviour. Without any further directive Kalinda spoke, as honestly as she could.  
Alicia regarded her silently, taking a sip of her coffee.  
'I told myself I didn't want this, that's why I left, I wanted to forget about you' 'But I couldn't,...' Kalinda trailed off unsure of how to continue, 'You're a good woman Alicia...' Kalinda hesitated 'And I'm sorry, that I hurt you'  
'When I left, I thought I was free, but I could never be free from you Alicia, and I don't want to be' 'You're the most spectacular woman, I've ever had the pleasure to know and when we'.... Kalinda chose her words carefully 'started to get closer, I knew, I just knew' 

'Knew what' Alicia whispered.  
'That I was falling in love with you, that I am in love with you'. Kalinda amended. 

'Is that what you thought when you slept with Robyn' Alicia's tone was cold and accusatory.  
Kalinda knew her past indiscretions would eventually come back to haunt her, Robyn's youthful exuberance meant she possessed an honest candour, which although endearing, now came to bite Kalinda in the ass. 

'She told you'  
'You're surprised'  
'I, it wasn't like that' It was such a cliched line, one Kalinda was certain Alicia didn't believe. 

 

'It's who you are, you can't be monogamous........it's not your fault' Alicia added sympathetically, as if Kalinda's promiscuous behaviour was a recognised pathology, beyond her control. 

'No, it's not true' Kalinda felt sick.  
'It is baby' the softness of Alicia's tone made the younger woman's heart ache  
'What are you saying?' Kalinda's voice echoed the desperation she felt.  
'I need time to think about us, I wouldn't want either of us to commit to something, that ultimately would end in failure' Alicia spoke with a certain detached clarity, of someone who had long made up their mind.  



	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys, as always I'm super interested to know what you guys think, so pls do let me know! 
> 
> As always thanks for reading! :)

Kalinda enjoyed the feeling of the plush soft seating against her bare legs, she felt relaxed, in the familiar dim lighting of the bar she knew well, it had been her usual after-work drinking spot, during her time at Lockheart/Gardner, the décor, the patrons, the chatter, all was how she remembered. 

Cary had invited her to drinks, knowing she was back in town, the investigator assumed Robyn, must have been the one to pass on that particular titbit of information. Not that Kalinda minded, she wasn't hiding the fact she was back, and it was nice to be back amongst familiar faces. 

She was still undecided as to whether she wanted to fuck Cary or not, she was still weighing up her options as she embarked on her second glass of wine, she'd slept with Lana several times over the past few weeks, as such Kalinda felt she needed a change tonight, but in all honesty as she sat interacting with Cary, doing her best to feign interest as he talked about his latest cases, she was well aware, that she had made the wrong choice. She craved nothing more than to be with Lana, she was getting uncomfortably turned on just thinking about their memorable sexual encounters , she knew she needed to make her excuses and leave instantly, and go pay the foxy FBI agent a visit. 

'Cary, I've just got something through, I'm sorry but I have to go' Kalinda concentrated on her iphone screen, to make it appear as if she was reading a complex directive, she had just been charged with undertaking, all while trying her best to stifle a smile as she read Lana's reply to her earlier text. 

'Are you sure, you can't stay'  
'I'm afraid not, another time?  
'Sure' Cary said accepting the fact, him Kalinda weren't happening tonight. 

Making their way to leave Cary, waved to a blond haired male at the bar, Kalinda recognised the young man, as one of the new intakes Lockheart/Gardner, had hired before she left the firm, she knew his face, but his name escaped her. 

A moment later a woman joined the man, 'date night' Kalinda, had thought.  
In the dark lighting of the bar, it took her a moment to recognise that the woman was Alicia. Something feral in her awoke, she knew of this feeling, but her personal experience of it was non-existent, it was jealous. 

'Shall we go?' Cary asked seeing Kalinda halt her movements.  
Kalinda smiled at Cary composed as ever she replied 'Sure'

They walked near to where Alicia and the blond haired male were situated, when the man called out 'Cary, hey buddy, can I speak to you for a second, unless you're busy' he added seeing Kalinda in tow.  
'Sure, I'll just be a minute' Cary explained to Kalinda, he stood near the man at the bar, the men talked quietly for several minutes, as Kalinda stood silently besides Cary. She looked towards Alicia whose gaze was fixed on her wine glass, Kalinda moved to sit beside her on the empty bar stool, Kalinda hadn't spoken to Alicia since she was last in her apartment a few weeks earlier.  
Since she uttered those fateful words. 

'Is that your date?' Kalinda spoke in an almost mocking tone.  
'No, we're just friends, from work' Alicia replied, as if expecting this line of questioning.  
'I didn't think he would be your type' Kalinda replied ignoring Alicia's response, which she knew was an obvious lie, it was childish to interrogate her like this, but at that moment she delighted in watching Alicia squirm.  
'I see you're on a date with Cary' Alicia's quick response made Kalinda smile.  
'He wishes' The arrogance in Kalinda's voice made Alicia want to roll her eyes.  
'No?' Alicia's tone didn't mask her surprise at the investigators response. .  
'He's not my date, I was just leaving actually, to got see my date, Lana, you remember her don't you?  
Alicia shot Kalinda a look, as if to question how she could be so cruel. Wasn't it exactly a week ago, that Kalinda confessed in the dark of night, that she loved her, well if this was what love looked like to Kalinda, then the young investigator was far more damaged then Alicia could have ever imagined. 

Feeling more than a little vulnerable Alicia, got the painful, though not entirely unsurprising confirmation, of what she'd suspected all along, that Kalinda didn't care, not really, not in the clear light of day, and now she was onto the next. 

In the jovial, light, evening atmosphere of the bar Alicia, was struck with a cataclysmic sympathy towards Lana, who much like herself found she wasn't impervious to young investigators charms. With that thought Alicia's mind, annoyingly conjured up images of Kalinda and Lana together, though Alicia knew they were numerous thoughts of Kalinda's disgruntled ex-lovers hardly ever entered Alicia's consciousness, particularly thoughts of Lana Delaney, she disliked the FBI agents smug attitude and cock sure demeanour, Nevertheless, it was a true statement of fact, that Lana was an undeniably beautiful creature, a fact that Alicia wasn't blind to, and the thought of the two women together made Alicia's mood turn sour. 

Alicia didn't have any desire to continue this unpleasant interaction any further, 'Well I'll see you then' Alicia said as she waved her left hand in a vague motion to indicate this conversation was over. 

Kalinda searched Alicia's face, for any of hint jealousy, but all she found was a muted sadness within Alicia's dark moist eyes. Kalinda instantly felt bad about implementing such childish tactics, for the sole purpose of getting a rise out of the other woman, to punish her for being out with someone that wasn't her. Alicia deserved to be happy, Kalinda didn't begrudge her that, but she had wanted to the one, to make her experience happiness. 

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

' Oh, fuck Lana' Kalinda breathed out as Lana bit down harder on her clavicle. 

Their sex and always been electric and tonight was no exception. 

Lana moved her way down Kalinda's body and planted kisses at various junctures, before returning to lay beside Kalinda. 

The two women hadn't talked in months prior to getting reacquainted a few weeks earlier, however, that was the usual discourse for them, it was a screwed up dynamic, but it worked for them. Lana knew Kalinda wasn't too concerned with commitment or fidelity, and Lana over the years, had learned to accept the fact, they'd be nothing more than what they were, a casual fling, brought together by whatever cosmic force it was compelled them into being. 

Kalinda had called her tonight and asked if she wanted to go out for drinks, 'drinks' had always been synonymous for sex. Lana thought briefly about turning Kalinda's offer down, but then laughed away the ludicrous passing thought, she wanted Kalinda, it would be an unconvincing facade to pretend otherwise. 

'Are you ok?' Lana asked tentatively as she noticed Kalinda staring blankly at the ceiling. 

Kalinda just smiled, rolled over onto her side, away from the other woman's searching gaze. 'Yeah, I just needed a minute' Kalinda replied as she move on top of the other women, straddling her hips.  
Shooting her a devilish smile.  
Lana's heart raced, her sexual experiences with Kalinda had always been some of the best of her life, and this time seemed no exception.  
Kalinda's hand grazed Lana's warm centre, Lana at first touch already seemed on the precipice of climax, and Kalinda who usually would tease Lana until she reduced her to a babbling, sweaty mess, uncharacteristically took mercy on her and gave Lana her much needed sweet release. In response Lana scraped her nails across Kalinda's back reflexively as her orgasm hit. 

Kalinda winced at the sudden pain, it was sharp and acute, but she found she loved the feeling. 'Do it again' Kalinda, breathed out as she rode Lana's orgasm out with her. 'Huh'?' Lana hadn't fully regained her composer yet, her mind still post-orgasm fuzzy. Kalinda spoke clearly and directly 'Hurt me Lana, I want you too' her voice taking on a venomous tone. 

As the other woman's words sunk into her fuzzy conciousness Lana's movements stilled, during dinner Kalinda had seemed a little off, and Lana could tell Kalinda was trying her best to feign interest in what Lana was saying.  
'Kalinda' Lana tried to sit up, but it was impossible with Kalinda's weight on top of her, however, her movements were enough to encourage Kalinda to move off her. 

'What's wrong? Lana sat up against the soft cushioned headboard.  
' Nothing, I have to go' Kalinda hurriedly got up from the bed, and started searching for her clothes, realising they were probably scattered all over Lana's living room.  
'Kalinda, why did you come here tonight?' 

Kalinda felt defensive and angry at being questioned 'Do you want me to go?'

'No of course I don't' Lana sounded exasperated.  
'Can we start the night over?' Lana said acutely aware Kalinda hadn't left her proximity yet.  
'I'm sorry Lana, I....' She couldn't finish her sentiment, she couldn't let Lana know the truth, that she was hurting. And that sex with Lana had served as a welcome distraction for her.  
Lana was considerate enough not to push the issue, Kalinda's apology had been enough to pacify Lana's concerns.  
Lana beckoned Kalinda back to her.  
Kalinda hesitated before she finally made her way back to the bed and tentatively sat on the edge, Lana moved towards her and kissed her neck, the soft prelude, before biting down hard, Lana tasted the familiar sour of blood on her tongue. If this is what Kalinda wanted, despite her reservations, she would do her best to give it to her.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys life has been super busy lately, so yeah a little bit of a filler chapter, but i want you guys to know i will finish this story, lol sometime soon!  
> as always thanks for reading :)

Kalinda awoke sometime after noon, sore from last nights activities and inexplicably still tired despite her apparent 12hr rest, Kalinda, gingerly removed the bed sheets from her body, as she made her way to the shower. As the heated shower poured over her, Kalinda glanced down at her naked figure, taking inventory of the painfully beautiful purple, yellow, twinged bruisings that now shaded parts of her usually flawless olive skin, Lana, always one to do a job right, had marked her body with the same vigorous precision, she put into her work at the FBI. 

Kalinda took stock of the particular bruising, that covered her outer and inner thighs and ghosted her hand over them lightly, before pressing her fingertips, into one particular large bruise that shaded the top of her outer thigh, the pain from her tentative action was instant, she knew would she was certainly going to feel the ramifications of the actions she insisted Lana undertake, for atleast the next week or so. 

Kalinda returned to Lana's bedroom, where she dried herself slowly, moving around gingerly trying to locate some clothes to wear, successfully finding some appropriate clothes, Kalinda, changed into one of Lana's soft cotton blue tank tops, teamed with one of the other woman's pair of Adidas running shorts, Kalinda, didn't feel inclined to redress herself in her previous nights tight, form fitting attire, not with her present state of soreness anyway. She knew she should leave, but she also knew Lana wouldn't be home for hours yet, she could afford to stay awhile longer. She liked Lana's place, it was definitely a home, full of promise and warmth, in contrast to her own apartment, which was cold, dark and only possessed the bare minimum furnishings. Lana's place was tastefully decorated and beautifully furnished in soft pastel colours, reflecting the FBI agents good taste.

Kalinda made her way to the living room, where on the dinning table sat Lana's high end Italian coffee maker, full of the dark rich liquid, Kalinda poured herself some from an elegant glass mug, that had been considerately placed next to the coffee maker. 

Kalinda with coffee in hand made herself comfortable on Lana's plush tan leather couch, placing her mug down on the coffee table, she switched on the large plasma t.v attached to the opposite wall. Kalinda flicked through the channels before settling on the 'The Real Housewives of New Jersey' which was one of Kalinda's guilty pleasures, (she'd often switch the T.V on, to keep her company, while she worked at home, and she liked to think she paid no attention to whatever was on, however, she had to admit she had developed a fondness for the New Jersey Housewives) that she was certain Lana would tease her about, if God forbid she found the young investigator watching the show, with far to much interest. 

Kalinda must have fallen asleep, but her mind roused when she heard the sound of someone entering the apartment, 'Hey' Lana said softly as she set her work things and keys down on the table.  
Taking in the sight of the younger woman, still sleepy, and dressed in her clothes, made the FBI agent smile. As she made her way to sit down next her. 

Lana glanced at the t.v, 'Really?? the 'Real housewives'? She could hear the teasing in the other woman's voice'  
'It's a good show' Kalinda protested.  
Lana smiled giving a quick kiss to Kalinda's forehead, her tone changing' I'm glad you're still here, I wasn't sure if you would be'  
Lana stroked her fingertips over Kalinda's thighs, Kalinda moved into kiss her, for several moments they continued like this before Lana pulled away 'I have to go back to the office, I just came home to collect some case files' 'uh huh' Kalinda mubled still kissing Lana, 'Kalinda please, my boss is expecting me back'  
'Do you really want to go back to work?'  
Lana looked down at Kalinda's soft lips, forcing her eyes to meet Kalinda's 'No, but I have to'  
Kalinda allowed Lana to extricate herself from her, as she made her way into the bedroom.  
'I understand', Kalinda hoping her tone masked her disappointment as she followed Lana into the bedroom, as Lana was sorting through case files.  
Kalinda sat on the edge of the bed, 'I guess I should go, I have some work to do too'. It was a lie, she had no work, she hadn't looked for employment since leaving L/G, not that Lana was aware of that evidently. There was nothing to stop her going back to her cold, empty, apartment and drinking her newly purchased bottle of tequila, she had tucked away, for moments like this where she was unhappy, and had no work, or other person around to distract her from it.  
'You can stay if you want?' Lana said forcefully keep her tone neutral.  
'I would, but I have some leads to chase up' Kalinda lied, as if speaking the truth.  
'Okay, well come by later then?' Kalinda nodded silently.  
Lana smiled at her, placing the case files under arm, not before planting a chaste kiss to Kalinda's temple 'I'll see you later' Lana said before leaving the room. 

On the commute home Kalinda had to suppress the urge to drive to Alicia's apartment. 'She doesn't love you' Kalinda repeated mentally to herself, as she had done everyday, for the past few months. No, what Kalinda knew she needed was to get home, and  
numb herself from her all consuming feelings.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys thanks for sticking with, the endgame it within sight. Feel free to leave any thoughts you may have, and as always thankyou for reading! :)

Kalinda could tell Lana was getting attached, falling for her the same way she always did when Kalinda would give her a glimmer of false hope, why did she do this to people, why did everything inevitably end in failure where the investigator was concerned. Flashs of her mothers scorn fuelled words resinated in her mind at that moment, 'you're selfish Leela, just like your father' her mother spat at her, when a 16yr old Leela had stumbled home blind drunk and unapologetic. 

'Hey are you okay' Lana whispered sleepily. She felt Kalinda toss and turn for sometime.  
'Why do you like me?' Kalinda asked softly.  
'What' Lana responded in a half sleepy murmur.  
'I'm not a good person' The FBI agent stirred at Kalinda's own response.  
'Kalinda what's wrong' Lana sat up and switched on the bedside lamp.  
Lana's heart jack hammered in her chest, when she saw moist droplets drop from dark lashes.  
'Come here' Lana whispered, Kalinda remained unmoved, her gaze never leaving the ceiling.  
Lana had rarely seen Kalinda show a flicker of emotion, dealing with Kalinda in some sort of crisis, was something beyond the FBI agents numerous set of skills.  
Lana scooted down the bed, back to her resting position, switching off the lamp in a motion she had done a hundred times before, and cradled the young women in her arms.  
'You didn't answer me?' Kalinda asked.  
'Why do you like me?'  
'Because I do' Lana responded honestly.  
'Well you shouldn't' came Kalinda's response.  
Kalinda's behaviour over recent weeks had been so erratic, that Lana could not confound what was wrong with Kalinda. Kalinda freed herself from the FBI agents arms, and made her way out of the bed.  
Kalinda hurriedy dressed herself, Lana got up following Kalinda's lead, placing her hands over the investigators, 'Stop, please' Lana softly urged.  
Kalinda halted her movements 'you can always talk to me' Lana said in hopes it would get Kalinda to open up. As if a switch had been pressed, Kalinda suddenly pounced on Lana kissing her forcefully, almost knocking the FBI agent off balance in the process.  
Kalinda' Lana said as she futilely tried to stop the other womans actions.  
'Lay down' Kalinda ordered  
'Kalinda..' She knew Kalinda was trying to avoid talking by using sex.  
'You know sometimes, when I was younger and I didn't want to talk, I'd go for really long walks, my family would wonder where I'd disappear to but I'd lie and tell them I was at the library'.  
At the honest candour falling from the other woman's lips, Kalinda did halt her movements. 'I can't talk about this Lana' Kalinda replied.  
'So, we won't talk' Lana said her tone understanding.  
'Want a drink, since we're both up?' Lana said her tone light.  
Kalinda nodded, Lana kised Kalinda on the cheek and exited the bedroom. 

 

/////////

Alicia threw back her third glass of wine, stewing in her own misery, why was she doing this and tonight of all nights, she had to present in court at 9am, and although she was prepared, she really didn't want such an early start, especially with the hang over she knew she would have.  
It had been like this for weeks, Alicia felt as if she was going through the motions of her life, waiting for something to happen, her and Maddie had parted ways a few weeks earlier, neither of them particalurly upset over that fact, they worked better as friends, and still saw one another though exclusively as friends. 

Alicia found her work disinteresting, and the long work days exhausting, everything seemed a struggle, their was only one thing she wanted, well not a thing, but a someone. And despite everything she felt, she was resolute she would not contact Kalinda again. She wasn't prepared to fall into Kalinda's trap again. 

She would deal with this, like an adult and forget all about Kalinda, though every time she told herself that, the memory of Kalinda's words made her heart ache, she loved her, she had actually said those very words.  
But what difference would it make Kalinda couldn't be faithful if her life depended on it. And why should she be, Kalinda was a woman of the world, living her truth out loud and unapologetically, though admirable in the abstract, in the literal sense it meant the other woman was not, and would never be potential girlfriend material. Even if Alicia had wanted that, not certain she, however, but what she did want from Kalinda during the time together, was for the investigator to give her more, and time and time again Kalinda would only disappoint her, whether it was cancelling plans last minute for no good reason, or wilfully refusing to talk with Alicia on anything other than a rudimentary level, everything it seemed Kalinda had done, or said, fell short of Alicia's expectation, and there was the fundamental problem, Kalinda would never be what Alicia wanted or needed. A twinge of sadness shot through Alicia at that as emkarked on her ill advised fourth glass of wine of the evening.


End file.
